- the state of being happy.
Sounds pretty simple but this state of mind is very hard to acquire. And once you do acquire it, the paranoia of losing it takes over your brain. It’s kinda the same with me. Lately, I have felt scared to feel happy because I know, in some corner of my mind, that it’ll not last. Something or the other happens and everything comes crashing down. It really hurts. You just feel so empty at times. I am known to be able to handle a lot of physical pain. But what about emotional pain? I honestly don’t know. I just try to ignore the pain and the sadness for so long that it kinda keeps building up inside until it hits you like a tidal wave. The emotions just sweep you away. And as I lay in my bed, crying my eyes out, a hand over my mouth so as to not make any sound and the other on my chest because it hurts so much, I just can’t handle it. My life has been so confusing lately that I don’t even know whom I should be confronting about my problems.
My relationships with the people around me have been weird and I don’t know what to do. This is something I have witnessed and experienced: The more you do for people, the more they take you for granted. And for once when you do something for yourself or do something that changes what they have planned out, you become the bad guy. Every little thing is blamed on you. They taunt you, insult you, backstab you. You know everything but there’s so little that you can do. Me, being sensitive as hell as I am, let all this get to me and end up having an emotional breakdown. I tell myself to be strong, try not to be bothered but what can I do when the people closest to me, the very people that I love are the ones hurting me the most. And after some time, it just becomes unbearable. I wish it would stop. I wish life could be as simple as it was back when I was a kid. Growing up felt like a dream when in reality it is nothing but a crappy soap opera. In those shows, good things always happen but they never last.
I wish things could go back to normal but you don’t always get what you wants. All I see in my near future is losing some of the most important in my life who have hurt me more than my words can express. My emotions are at war; I’m so conflicted. I don’t know what to believe and I don’t know who to trust. But I hope in the end, I survive. If happiness can’t be my forte I could make survival my own.
Thank you for reading!!